Nipped inter pub an’ spied Webby an’ me cousin Jean

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I were in tarn last Satdee. Ad nipped inter Railway forra quick’un or three.

Tha could tell summat were wrong as soon as tha walked in. I couldna see me hand in front o’ me face.

Thid lit fire an’ smoke were putherin’ all ovver place. I thought quick ‘alf an’ I’m gone.

That’s when ‘e appeared, like some monster in one o’ them owed films. These green eyes cut raight through smoke an’ I felt like I were paralysed. Ay were standin’ ovver me, like a ghost. I were gerrin’ ready to run when ay called out to me.

“Are ya ayin’ one youth?” It were Webby.Now, I’d gone inter Railway ‘cos I thought ay were banned after that incident wi’ Clarice Watkins and an’ a packet o’ pork scratchin’s. Tonned art I were wrong. Seems ban were lifted after Railway lost thray domino matches in a row.

Bit good at dominoes is Webby. Fair do’s, ‘e bought me a pint bur I escaped when ay dashed t’ lav.

Ays gorra a watterworks problem that ay reckons is improved by copious amounts o’ lager. Any’ow, I were waitin’ for bus when I spied me cousin Jean an’ ‘er ‘usband Clive. Thi’ mek a nice couple. Owe’s stuck up an’ ‘e’s raight balmpot but thid do owt for anybody... specially if thiz a few quid in it. Thiv no kids burree breeds bods.

I mean bods does breedin’, ‘e just looks after ‘em. ‘er fair chunters abaht his bods. I reckon if it were up to Jean thid ay budgie pie.

When owe saw mi ‘er eyes stuck art like chapel ‘at pegs.

Thid come ovver from Codnor. Well you would wouldn’t yu, if yu were in Codnor.

Thi’ ‘ad this pot thid fun in garden an’ thid come ovver to see if it were woth ote. Tonns art it were Granny Dexter’s chamber pot an’ were worth note...unless yu were in desperate need orra chamber pot an’ then it were worth a fortune.

Thi’ said ‘ow are yu an’ I said fine an’ I said ‘ow are yu an’ they said fine an’ thi’ axed afta mi Mam and Dad an’ I said thi were fine and thi axed after are Jack an’ I said ‘e were fine now that ‘e’s livin’ wi’ a police dog ‘andler from Dronfield.

That’s what I toad ‘em. It’s not true. ‘aze gone off wi’ a manicurist from Aynor.

Dunno why. Bites ‘is finger nails darn to quick. I saw ‘er on market other day. Owe’s gorra ‘aircut that looks like explosion in a Biro factory an’ owe walks abaht in these low cut frocks. I’ll stop there.

It’s not the sort o’ thing yu discuss in mixed cumpnee.

Oh aye, I were tellin’ yer abaht cousin Jean. I said to ‘em “Yu look fantastic.”

Cousin Jean blushed. Ay said thid revived their s*x lives. (Well it’s not the sort o’ thing you want to write down, is it, specially in a family newspaper.)

Any’ow cousin Jean says thid read this article in People’s Friend that said caffeine spices up your s*x life. In for a penny she said.So thi started drinkin’ thotty cups o’ coffee a day...Curiosity were getting’ the better of me. By nar I’ve got to ask. I mean you would wouldn’t you.

So I said: “Did it wok?”Cousin Jean grinned like a Cheshire Cat.

“Oh yeah, the effects were overwhelming. We had to do it there and then,” she says.

“There and then?” I said.

“There and then,” she says “but it does ‘ave one draw back.”

“What’s that Jean,” I axed.

“We can’t go in Costa Coffee again.”